Protecting Your Values

          One of my sisters, with whom I am very close, recently attended the Undergraduate Interfraternity Institute, a leadership conference that brings together fraternity leaders from across the country to remind them of the importance of reconnecting with their values in addition to training them in how to bring back the importance and awareness of their values to their campuses. Before she even left, she texted me asking me which of our fraternity’s values I had reflected today. I’ll admit, it wasn’t something I was expecting. I know our values, don’t get me wrong, but they were always something that I just knew were important to me. Integrity is something I hold very dearly. Honor and Respect are very important to me. All our values are incredible and good, but not something I thought about consciously on a daily basis. 

            I remember floundering for a minute, thinking, “all I did today was unpack and pick up my sister from gymnastics.” I hadn’t been reading to second graders, as my fraternity does as a part of our philanthropy, nor had I been raising money to improve literacy. Essentially, I hadn’t been doing anything important.

            In the end, I said something like, “Does driving my sister around count as a Philanthropic Service to Others?” and it does. And then I thought, “Oh I did some reading for my paper for graduate school, so there’s Intellectual Growth. And I chatted with my best friend from 8^th grade, and that’s Sincere Friendship.” So I guess our values apply to more than just fraternity and service heavy days.

            I began writing the values that I had reflected daily. And it has brought me closer to my fraternity. We are value-based organizations. We pride ourselves on our sisterhood, and our values are what bring us together. But unfortunately that which makes us strong can also be our downfall.

            Whenever a scandal breaks regarding our organizations, be it hazing, partying, or racist behavior, our organizations are heinously vilified in the media. Fraternities involved in hazing are called “appalling,” “vicious,” and worse. Furthermore, scandals involving mistreatment of minorities either in or out of the organization are repeatedly reported upon—the SAE scandal at Oklahoma University, for example, had well over a hundred headlines. Fraternity scandals tend to burn longer and brighter than many other organization’s scandals. Hazing, for instance, exists more openly and prevalently in other organizations, including but not limited to high school organizations, sports, honor societies, and the military (side note: a professor at my university, Jane Ward, recently wrote a book about hazing. I haven’t read it, but I have had a class with her and she’s incredible, so I would totally check it out if you’re interested).

            However, because Greek organizations are value based, we are more closely scrutinized. I would equate this to the way that those who create laws are held to them more closely. For instance, when politicians are caught breaking the law, they are persecuted harshly (well. As harshly as any United States politician will be).

            While journaling my values daily has been an incredible exercise in discipline and positivity, but I’m not sure that I would recommend this for everyone. I keep (what many would refer to as) too many journals, and I write prolifically on several aspects of my life—I have a general life journal for diary purposes, a bullet journal for organization, a reading journal dedicated to notes on whatever I happen to be reading at the moment, and a values journal. I completely understand that a lot of people don’t have this kind of time in their day, but there are other methods of keeping track of your values. A check-list is another good way to keep track of your values. Alternately, just tying your daily reflection to something else you do daily, like brushing your teeth is a good habit.

            This reflection has been incredible in helping me reconnect with my fraternity, especially when the fact that it’s summer right now is taken into consideration. I don’t get to see my sisters weekly at meeting or at letters, but I think of them when I think of Sincere Friendship. I found a Dr. Seuss book the other day and I thought of our Philanthropic Service to Others and how privileged I was to be able to participate in Champions are Readers, in which my sisters and I encouraged elementary students to love reading. I think about our founders and their hunger for learning every time I spend some time on Personal and Intellectual Growth. It’s a good way to feel productive and positive even when you don’t think you are.

            Pi Beta Phi has six values: Integrity, Lifelong Commitment, Honor and Respect, Personal and Intellectual Growth, Philanthropic Service to Others, and Sincere Friendship. Today I displayed four of my values:

·       Personal and Intellectual Growth: not only did I finish writing this article, but I also finished my philosophy class’s reading for the week and wrote out a section of GRE vocabulary flash cards.

·       Lifelong Commitment: My first and most important lifelong commitment is to myself, mind and body, and today I worked out.

·       Sincere Friendship: I counseled a friend through her first break up, even though she goes to school 8 hours away from me now and I haven’t seen her lately. Maintaining friendships despite distance is incredibly important to me. I also hosted a brief hang out session with a few sisters, with whom I cannot wait to be reunited officially once the school year starts.

·       Honor and Respect: This one is tough. A few months ago I got into a fight with someone I was very close to. He did not respect my boundaries and repeatedly ignored my requests to take the discussion somewhere more private and to pause long enough for me to stop shaking and crying. The fight resulted in more than a month and a half of radio silence. Today he sent me an apology. It checked all three marks of a good apology: he recognized what he had done, he understood why it was wrong, and he promised to not allow it to happen again. However, he continued to tell someone (with whom I am very good friends) precisely how insincere his apology was, and how he was entirely selfish in his reason for apologizing. I have a hard time not accepting apologies, generally speaking. My first instinct is to give people the benefit of the doubt and befriend them again, but this guy in particular had already hit his three strikes. And sometimes, honor and respect means putting yourself first. Sometimes honor and respect means recognizing that after a certain point, people don’t change—won’t change, and manipulation is never ok. Sometimes Integrity means sticking to your guns and holding when so much of you wants to cave. Sometimes Personal Growth means knowing that two years ago that person would have slid right back into your life only to hurt you again and again and again. Your first and most important Lifelong Commitment is to yourself, and sometimes you cannot compromise on your own wellbeing.

We joined these organizations for different reasons, but I think one thing we can agree upon having found is sisterhood. But more than that are the values that bind us together. Our values are what our founders had in mind when they set forth to create a space where women can support their fellow woman, and where our love of each other and our values can shine.

I like to sign off every values journal entry with “here’s to the wine and blue,” my fraternity’s colors. So with all the love in my heart and the values of my sisterhood, PPL.

Which of your fraternity’s values did you reflect today?

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